Feeling Unprepared

I have a sense that this post will result in several comments, but I have to get this down for fear of forgetting. Sorry Cary to rehash this...

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, Cary and I were chatting about the baby and the changes soon to come in our lives. I began counting down the months to come and all fun things going on in each month. It then hit me, I/we have something happening every single month until January and then I wont be doing anything because I'll be having a baby in February! Oh Lord, am I beginning to feel unprepared.

I told Cary how I needed a baby check list. When I was planning for our wedding my mom and I would sit at the kitchen table on Saturday's and see what appointments we needed to make, items to follow up on, and selections to decide upon. The wedding day came and passed with fantastic success with out stress or anxiety. Mainly b/c we worked so hard to be prepared. I have yet to see a similar check list for having a baby. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough but up until last night I've been focusing on eating healthy, exercising, doctors visits and working out the nursery design.

However, this does not seem sufficient. I don't want to regret not reading a book before the baby comes and being blind sided by something everyone else knew about except myself. The conversation kept going on and on with me freaking out before Cary stopped me and said, "Sweetie you have to look at it this way; how many people in the world have trained & completed an Ironman? How many people in the world have build their own house? How many people in the world have trained and run multiple marathons? Now, take those numbers and think of the millions of women who, regardless of age, race, social status, income bracket and ability have birthed babies? The majority of them have not killed their babies, right? So I'm pretty confident that we will do just fine. Don't worry, I'll try to find you a baby check list tomorrow so you can feel better." Now, that's perspective. He's so smart!

I calmed down and realized this is probably a huge hormonal shift into the "nesting phase" of pregnancy. But speaking of hormones, this is what happened this morning.

Part of my normal morning routine is applying a topical acne medication. It has an odor and doesn't taste so good. So Cary comes up to me for a departing morning hug/kiss, at which time I inform him of the acne meds on my face. He starts acting funny b/c he's concerned it will get on his shirt and stain it somehow (not really possible but...okay). Mid hug he pulls away and makes some off handed comment. (shock on my face and sudden pouty lip) "I'm so sorry Sweetie, I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to make a joke. It was bad and I'm very sorry." Well, it was too late because as he's was complimenting me like crazy and kissing all over my yucky medicated face I start to cry. Sob is more like it. Not because of the silly comment or the acne medication but because I felt fat and ugly. It was the ugly cry and it was long. But Sweetie didn't give up on me, he just comforted me and reassured me that he loves watching my body change. It's different for him, but not bad different. I have to give him credit for a quick apology followed up with sincerity and patience as I worked through my down moment. It's a good possibility that anything could have set me off this morning, I woke up with a sensitivity that is not usual.

Now, I'm at home with my friend Kathryn, we've just made chocolate chip cookies and will teach ourselves how to crochet. Such a fun way to spend the rainy afternoon!